Touched By Suicide

The Prologue

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
 
You are listening to’Touched by Suicide’, a special podcast series inspired by the memory of Steve Tarpinian, a prolific figure in the sport of triathlon who positively impacted so many. Steve died by suicide in 2015. 
Our goals are to raise awareness about and decrease the stigma surrounding suicide and mental health issues. And to let you know that you are not alone.  
This series was sparked by Steve Tarpinian's surviving partner, Jean Mellano, is hosted by Nicole DeBoom and narrated by former professional triathlete, coach & event announcer, Michael Lovato. 
Following is the Prologue transcription as narrated by Michael.
Due to the stigma that still exists with suicide, some suicide loss survivors feel ashamed talking about their loved one’s cause of death. They will not speak openly about suicide or the mental health issues leading up to suicide. When one takes their own life, there is a ripple effect that resonates to the clinicians, the co-workers, friends and family. Each week we will release an episode that offers a different perspective on suicide.  
We believe that people suffering from mental illness are not necessarily defined by the disease. Their lives can be productive and filled with joy, laughter, and love. We hope to inspire conversation that will contribute to removing the stigma associated with mental illness and suicide. By doing this, we hope to help those who are struggling to find resources that may prevent them from moving forward with suicide.  We also hope that if one is a suicide loss survivor, they will benefit from realizing they are not alone and they should not blame themselves for not doing more. 
Suicide is much more prevalent than one would think. According the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) over 47,000 Americans died by suicide in 2019. 
No one is immune. The CDC believes that suicide has become a large and growing public health problem.
Attitudes about suicide are not likely to change for the better until we can speak as freely about it as we freely speak of cancer now.  At one time cancer was stigmatized.  Only when we can speak openly about suicide and mental health issues without shame or embarrassment will attitudes about suicide change for the better. The personal perspectives you will hear from our guests in the Touched By Suicide Podcast series, along with what I’m about to share, support the fact that change is  happening, that suicide stigma has lessened since Steve passed away in 2015. 
The power of celebrity has led to more open discussions about mental health and sucide.  The families of those who took their own lives; Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington were not silent about the cause of their loved one’s death. 
Many celebrities such as Carrie Fischer, Lady GaGa, Prince William, Demi Lovato and Michael Phelps have gone public and speak openly about  their mental health struggles.
Suicide awareness has hit the mainstream. In 2017, Logic, a popular young singer, released a powerful suicide prevention anthem.  The title of the song is the toll-free suicide prevention hot line: ‘1-800-273-8255'
Even though things have improved in the last several years since Steve passed, the stigma of suicide still exists.  We have a long way to go.  
When we lose people to suicide, their survivors often keep silent which further stigmatizes suicide. Today I have the honor of sharing the story of Steve Tarpinian. By celebrating his life and sharing views before and after his suicide, it is clear that  awareness about suicide  is  changing. This is important because as one of our guests, Dr. Andreski, shares, “For most causes, awareness precedes progress.”. 
Steve Tarpinian died by suicide on March 15th, 2015, the day after leaving an inpatient mental health facility. He was a beloved coach, swimmer, entrepreneur, friend and companion. Steve's vision established the landscape for triathlon on Long Island. However, his true legacy is the lives that he positively impacted while on his journey.
In his 20’s, Steve’s depressive episodes occurred maybe once or twice a year and lasted a day or so. As time went on, these episodes happened more frequently with longer  durations. Steve would drive himself at a frenetic pace. He eventually became physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
Over the years, Steve won many battles in his private war. He appeared to most as a very happy, trouble-free person who had it all figured out. Steve had a very successful business, was a great athlete and a great coach, and he was loved by so many. He was very good at hiding his inner turmoil. 
Steve started slipping away in 2013 when he was in his 50s.  His depressive episodes were occurring more frequently and were becoming longer in duration. He was a good actor since no one knew he was suffering so much that he would take his own life.
In his final months, his mind was consumed by indecisiveness, obsessiveness, and regrets about not following certain paths in his life. Steve lost interest in the things he always seemed so passionate about. In his final few months, Steve frequently became so indecisive that he could no longer effectively live his life.  He lost all hope for things to change for the better. Steve finally made the irreversible decision to leave behind his pain. He completed suicide on his second attempt to end his life.
Steve’s legacy is not that he died by suicide. His legacy is one of kindness and compassion to others in spite of his own personal struggles. He was someone who impacted so many lives in a powerful and positive way. He gave so much to so many with no expectation of a return. Steve was not just a coach of sport, he was a coach of life. He was a gift to all of us and that gift was only ours to borrow.
When someone dies by suicide, the loss survivors are left with many unanswered questions. They are often wracked with guilt and struggle to openly share about their loved one’s suicide, largely due to the stigma surrounding it.
We need to be more open in speaking about suicide, even though initially,  it may be too uncomfortable to talk about.  Silence perpetuates suicide stigma.
In Dr. Andreski’s interview, he indicated that not all people who are suicidal can be helped, but many can be. Freely speaking about suicide and mental health issues without shame or embarrassment is important to help to reduce the stigma.
Touched by Suicide features perspectives from nine people. 
Ruth Tepler-Roth is a mom who lost her son Jonathan.
Adam Sud attempted suicide and survived. He shares his story to help others who are facing the turmoil he faced.
Doctor Andreski [ann DRESS key] is a psychiatrist who has been working with suicidal patients and suicide loss survivors for over 45 years.
Michael Stewart is a son who lost both his father figure, Steve, and later his father, Mike to suicide.
Rip Esselstyn is a pro athlete friend and colleague of Steve’s who shares insights from the athlete mindset
Deb Savarese [SAV uh reese] is an athlete that Steve coached who will forever be impacted by him.
Mike Barone [buh RONE] is an employee, someone who knew Steve on a professional and friendship level.
Jean Mellano is the surviving partner of Steve, a man she still calls the love of her life. Jean is also the reason this series exists.
Kevin Hines attempted suicide at 17 years old by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. He knew the second he left the bridge that he didn't want to die. He miraculously survived and today he dedicates his life to helping others who struggle with mental health issues and suicidal thoughts.
At times, we may feel helpless and not know what to say or do but there ARE some things that can be done to help those who are struggling. 
Many people who contemplate suicide engage in behaviors that we can flag, if we know what to look for. These warning signs may help save lives. In every conversation, the power of hindsight is clear. Everyone involved in this project could identify at least one incident that would be considered a flag. Here are a few.  
Contacting friends just to say ‘hi’,when it is not something they normally do. Typically this may happen when the person has made the decision to take their own life.   They could be trying “to clean up their side of the fence” if there was a misunderstanding in their relationship or possibly just to say goodbye.  Several of our guests received a phone call from Steve in the month or two before his death even though they had no contact with Steve for months.
Losing interest in the things they always loved to do
Pulling back from their social circles
Making a comment like  their friends and family would be better off without them
And of course, previously attempting to complete suicide.
More warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org) 
Too many are still being lost to suicide; it is so much more prevalent than people realize. Because of its stigma, no one wants to talk about it. Although things are improving with respect to awareness surrounding suicide and mental health issues, ignorance about these topics abound.  Comments like “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and “suicide is a selfish act” have no place in our society and only further contribute to the stigma.   Anyone who makes these comments has no idea of the mental anguish one who takes their own life may be suffering; that it is so painful, they fear living more than they fear dying.
When someone dies by suicide, it is common for the survivors to remain silent about the cause of the death of their loved one. When this happens, it perpetuates the stigma around suicide which makes it harder for people to reach out when they need help. Steve Tarpinian died by suicide. He also left a beautiful legacy of love and support to many people. By sharing his story and the stories of others touched by suicide, it is our goal to educate and to help people who are struggling reach out for the help they need before it is too late. 
If you have a loved one who is struggling, reach out to them. A friend of Steve’s, Peter Ventura, said that when he learned of Steve’s struggles, he sought help from a friend who was knowledgeable about how to help a person with suicidal feelings. Peter was given the following advice: “You just have to be intrusive. Don’t just walk through the door. Kick the door down and be there for your friend.” As one of our guests says, “You do not have to have answers.  Tell them you love them and that you do not want them to feel alone.  You are there for them. Don’t try to “fix” them.”
I will wrap up with a huge thank you to Jean Mellano for making this series happen. And thank you to Steve Tarpinian for lighting up the world with your smile and changing so many lives for the better. We wish you were still here with us today. 
If you or someone you know is displaying suicide warning signs, please call the suicide prevention hotline at 800 273 8255. Thank you for listening. Please share this podcast - you never know who may need to hear it right now.
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
 
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Mom - Ruth Tepler-Roth

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear the perspective of a mom. Her name is Ruth Tepler-Roth. In 2012, Ruth lost her 21 year old son, Jonathan, to suicide. Ruth was devastated when Jonathan took his life. She felt so alone. She remarked at the time Jonathan died, treatment for mental health was in the Dark Ages, much like cancer treatment was in the 1950s. Over time Ruth has learned to share Jonathan’s story openly which is the only way we can break the stigma about suicide. For parents who are listening, this interview is so important because Ruth had no idea Jonathan was struggling with suicidal thoughts until he attempted suicide the first time. We may think we know what’s going on with our children, but we don’t always know until something bad happens. Ruth talks about warning signs but forgot to mention an important one, so she asked us to include it here. Many people who are suffering self-medicate with drugs and alcohol in their quest to end their pain. If you notice this sign or the others mentioned in this interview, intervene before it’s too late. 
Notables:
When Jonathan first attempted suicide and was unsuccessful, they decided to keep it a secret. Ruth believes that keeping suicide a secret perpetuates the shame for everyone.
Hindsight warning signs: changes in friends, mood stability, sleeping and eating patterns, Jonathan and Steve both said ‘I am not a good person’, and they would get angry, which was unusual for them
Rejecting love: Jonathan got upset when Ruth said to him "You are my sun, moon and my stars." He would say, "That's too much for me. I am not going to live that long." 
What makes it very hard to know if someone is suicidal is that many people, including Jonathan and Steve, were incredible actors. They didn't want people to know.
We must attack the stigma by making it acceptable to talk about mental illness and suicide.
Ruth still harbors resentment toward the doctors and clinicians. She questions the process in getting help. It was not easy, not cheap, and she felt that the medical professionals missed so many important things. They were fooled. 
She also believes that schools are ill-equipped to help and manage students with mental health issues.
It was tough to get an initial mental health diagnosis which was eventually labeled bipolar 2. 
When asked what she would say to Jonathan today, "What a loss. The world is poorer with you."
Ruth believes that the conversation is changing - a podcast like this wouldn't have existed 10 years ago - but those who need help are still generally underserved.
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

An Attempt - Adam Sud

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
"Suicide is not about someone trying to end their life, suicide is someone trying to end their pain."
Adam Sud attempted suicide on August 21, 2012. He was 30 years old and he felt like his life was so difficult, he was so broken, so miserable, his suffering seemed so hopeless that he took a handful of pills and swallowed as many as he could. As his heart rate went up and down, he thought that was the last moment of his life, and he felt completely terrified. 
When he woke up later, he had an unbelievable feeling of relief. He was glad he was still alive.
That was when he finally set forth a path to change. It started with a call to his family; a family he had effectively shut out and treated horribly, but who didn't hesitate to help. 
Adam's story is powerful. His path today is a testament to the fact that we can change our lives even when they seem so hopeless and alone. 
Notables: 
Eating transformation: from piles of fast food every day to fully converted plant-based eater. Adam credits vegan eating for helping reverse many of the health problems he faced
Drug abuse: Starting with Adderall use in high school to treat ADHD, Adam spiraled to criminal drug behaviors over the course of a decade.
Family: Adam's story is a testament to the power of family. Adam blamed his dad (parents) for many of his problems. He admittedly treated them horribly, but they never stopped loving him and trying to help.
Rip Esselstyn's PlantStrong program: Adam shares the story of attending one of Rip's eating retreats at Whole Foods, and even though he didn't convert at that time, the experience was the foundation for a life metamorphosis. 
Food as transformational "medicine:" When Adam entered a sober living facility, he got some great advice from his dad who said that he didn't know about the mental health diagnoses he had received, but he did know that some of the physical health diagnoses could be reversed. He told Adam to remember what he learned at Rip's retreat. 
Make your new life habits as easy as possible to achieve: Adam created daily rituals that he could easily uphold to take away the guesswork and temptation.
And so much more. 
You can find Adam Sud at @plantbasedaddict and check out his nonprofit @plantbasedforpositivechange - he is doing amazing things to help people!
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Psychiatrist - Dr Stephen Andreski

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
"Awareness generally precedes progress." - Dr. Andreski
Today we talk to a psychiatrist who has been treating suicidal patients and survivors of suicide loss for 45 years. Dr Stephen Andreski shares a clinical perspective on the different angles of suicide. 
Dr. Andreski, MD, is a Diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry & Neurology, the former Medical Director of the Crisis Unit Capital District Psychiatric Center, & the former Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services at Albany Medical Center Hospital. 
Notables include:
Why people attempt suicide: largely due to depression, a great sense of suffering, feelings of aloneness & that their situations are hopeless
Warning signs to note: Signs of depression, changes in behaviors, withdrawal from normal routines and community
Why do some people consider suicide a selfish act? Suicide is often a self-concerned act, but the attempter feels it's the opposite of selfish, as they feel the world would be better off without them. 
Do you think suicides can be prevented? Not all people can be stopped from killing themselves even if they see a mental health professional.
Effects on survivors: Children of parents who die by suicide are 300-800 times more likely to attempt suicide
How have awareness and stigma changed: awareness is much greater than 45 years ago, and discussions are more common, but treatment may actually be harder to get. 
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Son - Michael Stewart

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear from Michael Stewart - a man who has been touched closely by suicide twice. Steve Tarpinian was a father figure to Michael, a man who helped guide him into the sport of triathlon which became his passion in his younger years. Michael raced at the highest level of triathlon from age 9 through 16 until he started to experiment with drugs and alcohol. He stopped racing triathlons, went off to college and didn't maintain an active relationship with Steve. When Steve died, Michael never truly processed his suicide. 
Less than three years later, Michael suffered another terrible loss to suicide - his father Mike Stewart. On Michael's 61st day sober, he arrived home to two detectives who delivered the news. 
Michael is a truly special person, so strong and vulnerable in his journey. His perspective of a son who lost a father and a father figure is important - the people left behind will forever struggle to pick up the pieces. 
Notables:
Mental health, depression & addiction were open topics of communication, as his dad suffered from alcoholism and depression
Michael defines himself as having an addictive personality - discussion about whether this is genetic or a result of upbringing
Hindsight: Michael expresses a desire for closure, wishing he would have said or done something that may have helped
Don't take everything at face value: Steve was a good actor and people didn't know what he was going through
People younger than Michael are more open and things are better in terms of awareness and suicide stigma
Advice: Pick up the phone when you are suffering. There is always someone to talk to
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Pro Athlete - Rip Esselstyn

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear from a former professional athlete and good friend of Steve Tarpinian. Rip Esselstyn knew Steve as an athlete, coach & a friend who was always up for an adventure. Rip's stories about their shared time together brings Steve, the inspiration behind this series, to life. 
Notables:
Steve was an outgoing, approachable, empathetic person, both interested in others and interesting himself! The point is that people struggling with mental health issues can seem exactly the opposite of what we may think.
Steve opened up to Rip about his depression and hospitalization, and looking back, Rip says, "I think we all feel like we could have been better friends" when they're gone.
It seemed surreal that Steve would take his own life. This is a common reaction to so many people who attempt or die by suicide.
Rip feels there is still a barrier to discuss suicide because mental health is so private and can feel invasive to ask directly.
Rip's final thoughts, "I would tell Steve how much I love him, what an absolute gem of a human being he is. So sorry he is hurting this much and in so much pain.  Let’s fly out to Kona and swim out to the buoy and see the dolphins again. You will be missed more than you know."
 
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

An Athlete - Deb Savarese

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear from a woman who was coached by Steve Tarpinian. Deb Savarese discovered triathlon when she decided to do a triathlon to celebrate her 50th birthday. She signed up for a tri clinic and shortly afterward joined Steve's training group, Team Total Training. Deb misses Steve greatly. She feels he is still with us. She can still hear his voice especially when she's swimming. 
Notables include:
Steve really knew how to make beginners feel welcome
Steve loved and embraced all his athletes; he was a mentor and a friend
Steve impacted Deb in a huge way: she is not afraid to take on challenges, she is able to believe in herself more, she thinks bigger, works harder and really embraces discipline - all things she learned from Steve
Even when a person we know dies by suicide, they can still be with us. As Deb says, “Steve is still her coach”
It's difficult to know how serious a suicidal person's struggles are. At times Steve seemed moody, not easy to approach, withdrawn versus his usual bubbly, social self.
When Steve died, Deb knew right away that he took his own life because of struggles she had heard he was having. The last time she saw him, he did not look well. His appearance had changed, he was disheveled, distracted.
The only warning sign Deb can remember is that Steve called her twice right before he died which was not something he ever did. He never called to chat. In retrospect, she feels he was trying to say good bye.
The only way to open the door about mental health is to talk about it. Deb has since learned it's okay to ask someone if they are thinking of taking their own life. We shouldn't be afraid to pry.
 
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Friend - Mike Barone

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear from Mike Barone, one of Steve's friends. Mike met Steve in July 2005 when he decided to do a Half IRONMAN for his 40th birthday. He needed a group to train with; he found Team Total Training and joined them for a swim training session. He "just did what the long-haired guy on the surfboard told him to do." After post-workout drinks, he had found his crew! Mike was shocked to learn about Steve's suicide. He remembers Steve as a beautiful person who helped so many others.
Notables:
Steve's great talent was in building community
"Beauty is in the Balance" - a philosophy Steve touted but struggled to adhere to himself
Working together: fun & positive environment fostered by Steve
Steve cared so much how others were feeling
Warning signs: There really weren't any until Steve called Mike a month or so before his death
Suicide awareness seems to have increased: Mike feels more aware and open about suicide and mental health
How much pain was that person in to think suicide is the alternative
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Widow - Jean Mellano

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear the perspective of a surviving partner. Her name is Jean Mellano. Steve and Jean met in 1981 and were together for over 33 years.  Theirs was a love story and a tragedy. In 2013, Steve started slipping away and his depressions were becoming more frequent and longer in duration. Even though he sought professional help, he could no longer make decisions and was no longer capable of running his business.
For any survivor who is listening, this episode is so powerful because Jean shares her struggles before and after Steve’s death. Like many survivors, memories continue to surface at often unexpected times. After she finished this interview, Jean remembered something important that she wanted to make sure we include.
A few weeks before he passed, in a phone conversation, Steve shared with her that he was so afraid. When she asked what he meant, he could not—or did not want to—explain what he feared. Little did she know, he probably realized he was literally “losing his mind” and had no control over it. He felt he had no options left. Steve was her Ironman, her rock of support who got her through cancer and the passing of her parents—how could he possibly feel so vulnerable and alone? And how could she not know? These are the thoughts that continue to surface, even 7 years later. Sadly, this is common for survivors, so if you are going through this, you are not alone. 
Notables:
Jean often says that she had no idea he would try to take his own life. Less than 30 minutes before he passed, she received this text message from him.
The things Jean remembers about their early days
Belly laughs: Steve already made her laugh so much. A good belly laugh is how Steve helped diagnose her tonsil cancer
Pity Parties: When Jean was going through a particularly tough chemo session, Steve took out some party hats and 
"What the f*ck is she so happy about?"
It's so easy to look back and wonder... 
When you live with someone who is suffering, the changes can be so small and incremental that it's hard to really know when they change into something more serious.
Ativan was used to treat Steve's anxiety and depression - Jean believes it's possible that the drugs that helped early on stopped working 
Parkinson's: Jean was diagnosed with Parkinson's shortly after Steve died. She believes the grief and stress triggered her Parkinson's. 
Survivor's guilt is real and universal
Grief and recovery resources were not easy to find at that time
Jean feels she perpetuated the stigma about Steve's suicide by telling a local reporter not to include the cause of his death. Shortly after that initial response, she changed her attitude and openly shared about Steve's suicide.
As Jean says, "She put her head in the sand."
Steve's mission in life was to help people as evidenced by his career choices; lifeguard, applying to the FDNY, coach. He cared so much about helping others; it was tough to accept that he couldn't help himself.
Resources: Facebook groups for survivors are more available now and can be very helpful, the AFSP is doing great things to support survivors and raise awareness, the suicide prevention hotline does a great job to help direct people
 
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io

A Golden Gate Jump Survivor - Kevin Hines

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. 
If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988.
 
When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.
 
The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally.
 
Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.
 
Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).
Today we hear the perspective of a man who attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. His name is Kevin Hines. He was 17 years old when he decided to take his life. Kevin shares his story, including the fact that he regretted his decision the second his body left the rail. He openly discusses his personal mental health issues, how he has learned to live with, but not act on, his suicidal feelings, and how connections and love form his foundation. Today Kevin travels the world sharing strategies for positive mental health, some of which you will hear right now. Please note - All of the resources Kevin shares are listed in the show notes for future reference. 
Resources:
https://www.youtube.com/kevinhines
Award-winning video "It was an instant regret"
"The Art of Wellness 2.0" includes incredible daily life guidance
HINESIGHTS Podcast
Kevin Hines website
Medical Advisory:
The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat  any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. 
Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.
Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io